It maybe False ... but positive is positive ...

I have to firstly thank Barry and Lesley for pulling "The Great Cornholio" out of the bag just when I needed a foul mood diffusing yesterday.   It is the second time you have helped without realising it and that is kind of special in my book.  Thank you so much xx

We all have our battles, I have a huge battle which at last seems to be going in my favour.  The frustration, anxiety and horrible experiences don't feel as bad at the moment.  But here comes the progress report because I don't like coming across as a moaning, bitter, oh woe is me person when that actually is not me. I always have time for others and want to stop the blinkers from staying in place permanently! 

Let's get the phobia bit out of the way.  Obviously the more blood tests you have in a short period of time, the worse the extraction point on your body.  I had no idea that they classed me as having a phobia, but that is what they both said whilst trying to coax out a meagre tube.  Actually, given the choice between a six time failed blood test, I'd rather that, than be sat in the same room as a frog/toad. That really is a phobia!  Anyway.  After five fails in my hands they crossed the line.  Never in my wrist, ever again.  Not in the foot ever. It happened that my GP was next door, so Mouth Almighty engaged with a few screams of my favourite work "F*CK" and "Do you think I'm enjoying this?".  Both nurses found it hilarious but as it was a nightmare experience, I have asked Mum to come with me next week because I have regressed to child mode.  I don't know how many more I can hack!

Full on, agitated, tearful, desperate for escape or solitude and on the edge.  That'd be dropping from 0.9 to 0.5 rapidly.  I can't help it it is such a balancing act.  Rapid Cycling due to the stress doesn't help one bit either. It also makes me feel bothered about the whole "All or Nothing" scenario.  What has happened this week?

• NHS England change from concern to complaint last Tuesday
• Get bloods.  Read as normal (when high), other GP refuses to see me. "Continuity of Care"
• Reception Manager on the phone several times - my notes will be ready Friday
• GP calls:  "I was going to call, starts quoting notes (that she couldn't be bothered to read) Accused me of not taking my meds at all - she gave me an extra month - my levels are high, stupid, of course I've been taking them - thick. Etc Etc ...
• Practice Manager gets involved - probably to catch me off guard - It is Mrs Goodey and I can't possibly have an impromptu meeting whilst a) not stable b) without an agenda.  Gobshite!
• Picked up notes which have been clearly doctored (pardon the pun).  All my readings are raised as "concern".  Never happened.  Good job I had witnesses listening into the telephone calls (idiots)

So what am I waiting for? To be stable, to raise concerns with the practice and see if the Dr actually sticks to the promised phone call with advice every Thursday until it has all settled down.  I have an appointment on Monday so best get myself prepared.  I only need one piece of paper in the form of the letter I wrote to the practice on registration - I need to discuss my situation and need a doctor to police my lithium tests ... if you can't do this don't take me on. Bloody fools!  

As for the rest of everything, I could be a complete bitch, but like to help people. I'm allowed an off day too but I can't deal with blatant contempt.  it is a good job that I am listening to Faure's Requiem and not Queens of the Stone Age or something ... that would be irresponsible!  Ooops there I go helping myself again - "Jojo you have to stop being so fucking reasonable ..." Therapist quote.  I also need to quit worrying ... not so easy!

Lets see how today goes ... if I proclaimed that I don't care, that I'm not slightly offended and f*ck it I'd be surely lying.  Wish I felt like that ... instead I have raised concerns about some people I care about and can't kick it to the kerb.  I hear you ... "you're your own worst enemy ...".  I'd rather be that ... Mouth Almighty QOTS cross contamination ... best stop now!