Cookie and Cream Pop Tarts ...

Come on Kellogg's, make them available here not just State Side.  Everything is always bigger and better over there! The strawberry and chocolate versions we get here really are inferior.  These little beauties have way more filling and don't eject from the toaster resembling reinforced cardboard (or ryvita).  It makes me wonder what other amazing flavours are available ... a salted carmel version would go down well!  

All hail the great rectangle of cookies and cream flavoured pop up filth.  I actually ate something today ... progress ... it may bring back my sweet tooth though - best use them sparingly!  Best present I have had in ages!

At Last ... oh to be taken seriously ...

Wow ... first off 5000+ views after going official ... awesome! This kind of gives me the platform I need to go public in the not so distant future. That aside, this week has been full of surprises. Drama, tension, despair, comedy and hope and that is before the Bipolar gets to join in! 

To recap, I had my appointment with the Doctor and managed to record the who thing (for myself not to use as a weapon of mass destruction).  The upshot, as I went through my pre-prepared script, was that she is not going to help me with the one thing I asked of her - to remind me to get blood tests every 3 months.  The computer won't let her - ermm how come they can remind people about annual reviews?  I even suggested she could review me every 3 months as this would prompt me to get the test before I saw her - blocked again.  Waste of an appointment - except for the "Primum non nocere" bit where she visibly became a foot taller and very flushed ... saying that provokes a very unusual response - its a bit like saying "Macbeth" Black Adder stylee.  I credit this to good friend who is helping me out with all this stuff at the moment ... he knows who he is.  Thank you!

What did she do? She decided to pass the buck.  I had to ask myself again why she refused to refer me to the Mental Health team when I asked weeks a go.  Could it be that NHS England have put the shits up the surgery?  Back to the appointment, she suggested I was "high".  No sweetie, I don't do drugs, do you mean my mood is elevated? I pointed out that she doesn't know me but, again, I was ignored.  Referral it is ... well just as soon as she finds out where the hell she is supposed to send me and what the procedure is ... yes really!

I could now launch into a Craig David song ... Saw the GP on Monday, had a blood test on Tuesday, moped around the house on Wednesday, heard a pack of lies on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, enforced chill on Sunday ... haha!!!

The AMHT were very quick to leap into action but got me most incensed when they told me what my always to be respected for her knowledge, expertise and incredibly caring GP had said.  I have been tampering with my meds possibly on purpose, my mood was very high and I was in danger of relapse.  I don't see how I could possibly relapse with my lithium levels being high.  As for tampering, well it didn't start that way but with no support/advice I had to do something ... stupid cow.  I'd also go so far to say that this Doctor has put my back firmly up and I was very apprehensive about a meeting with her.  Nerves and elevated mood have similar traits.  Pacing, restlessness, talking ten to the dozen, irritability ... I should be honest here, I probably have a bit of both.

Friday came along and well, I had an epic one and a half hours with a Doctor and an assessment person with the most awesome name.  I'm not at the stage where naming and shaming is an option so you'll just have to trust me on this one.  They were excellent.  They, unlike the bitch GP, could see what I had tried to do and appeared to give a shit.  So I have been suffering a "mixed" episode which means its low and high at the same time which is quite tricky to get a handle on.  

They have halted one of my meds completely and plan to get the lithium where it should be.  The only major draw back is that they want to put the evil quetiapine up higher than ever.  This really is going to impact on my ability to function for a number of weeks.  I personally know I can't tolerate it at high levels but am prepared to experiment under their guidance, especially after receiving a stark warning with regards to the importance of lithium being stable - each episode I get in the future will be more intense and last much longer.  I will relish in telling my GP she has singlehandedly caused a marked deterioration in my condition by ignoring my plea's. 

A lot of people have been asking what triggered all this.  Poor management of lithium.  I am very sorry there is no gossip.  Nobody died, nothing is upsetting me.  This is a fundamental trait of Bipolar - there often isn't a reason and I am getting pretty fed up of being talked about like that.  I didn't ask to completely break down seven years a go either.  Nothing triggered that.  Hard to believe but it is an absolute fact.

There may yet be a twist in events that will make the whole situation a whole heap more interesting.  Everyone knows I like a bit of banter and mischief and there is an opportunity ... lets just see who I get as my "care coordinator".  Hommmm!

Thursday Night Carnage ...

... My halo slipped.  Everybody needs to cut loose every now and then and I chose Thursday.  What a great night we all had.  Shameless flirting (that amongst friends means nothing), addressing my hang up's with regards to everyone having massive tits (Mike you will surely get a slap for having a go on Helen's), a bit of karaoke and a whole heap of shots.  Oh my word, it was carnage!

I definitely felt on Thursday that I had to be "her residing with a mental illness" not "she the walking pin cushion".  Out of control I certainly wasn't but myself I was.  It was a jolly good chuckle,  for once I wasn't the only one talking total bollocks on top note - I had competition and Mike and Bob didn't hold back!

So.  Rather than chat away here are some of the highlights in picture - Helen managed to stay out of all of them and I am not going to embarrass my husband with his pic!

Total Shot Confusion

Thanks Bex ... sourz and sambuca - yuk!

Bobs in  good mood!

More f*cking sambuca!

I hate frogs and this glitterbomb looks suspiciously frog spawny

Love Hagrid!!

And he thinks there is nothing wrong with me ... 

I hate sambuca!

Love Sharon!

He is a total mental basket but I can't stay mad at him for long ... keep your hands to yourself Captain!!

Thanks all you guys ... I had a great night!!

It maybe False ... but positive is positive ...

I have to firstly thank Barry and Lesley for pulling "The Great Cornholio" out of the bag just when I needed a foul mood diffusing yesterday.   It is the second time you have helped without realising it and that is kind of special in my book.  Thank you so much xx

We all have our battles, I have a huge battle which at last seems to be going in my favour.  The frustration, anxiety and horrible experiences don't feel as bad at the moment.  But here comes the progress report because I don't like coming across as a moaning, bitter, oh woe is me person when that actually is not me. I always have time for others and want to stop the blinkers from staying in place permanently! 

Let's get the phobia bit out of the way.  Obviously the more blood tests you have in a short period of time, the worse the extraction point on your body.  I had no idea that they classed me as having a phobia, but that is what they both said whilst trying to coax out a meagre tube.  Actually, given the choice between a six time failed blood test, I'd rather that, than be sat in the same room as a frog/toad. That really is a phobia!  Anyway.  After five fails in my hands they crossed the line.  Never in my wrist, ever again.  Not in the foot ever. It happened that my GP was next door, so Mouth Almighty engaged with a few screams of my favourite work "F*CK" and "Do you think I'm enjoying this?".  Both nurses found it hilarious but as it was a nightmare experience, I have asked Mum to come with me next week because I have regressed to child mode.  I don't know how many more I can hack!

Full on, agitated, tearful, desperate for escape or solitude and on the edge.  That'd be dropping from 0.9 to 0.5 rapidly.  I can't help it it is such a balancing act.  Rapid Cycling due to the stress doesn't help one bit either. It also makes me feel bothered about the whole "All or Nothing" scenario.  What has happened this week?

• NHS England change from concern to complaint last Tuesday
• Get bloods.  Read as normal (when high), other GP refuses to see me. "Continuity of Care"
• Reception Manager on the phone several times - my notes will be ready Friday
• GP calls:  "I was going to call, starts quoting notes (that she couldn't be bothered to read) Accused me of not taking my meds at all - she gave me an extra month - my levels are high, stupid, of course I've been taking them - thick. Etc Etc ...
• Practice Manager gets involved - probably to catch me off guard - It is Mrs Goodey and I can't possibly have an impromptu meeting whilst a) not stable b) without an agenda.  Gobshite!
• Picked up notes which have been clearly doctored (pardon the pun).  All my readings are raised as "concern".  Never happened.  Good job I had witnesses listening into the telephone calls (idiots)

So what am I waiting for? To be stable, to raise concerns with the practice and see if the Dr actually sticks to the promised phone call with advice every Thursday until it has all settled down.  I have an appointment on Monday so best get myself prepared.  I only need one piece of paper in the form of the letter I wrote to the practice on registration - I need to discuss my situation and need a doctor to police my lithium tests ... if you can't do this don't take me on. Bloody fools!  

As for the rest of everything, I could be a complete bitch, but like to help people. I'm allowed an off day too but I can't deal with blatant contempt.  it is a good job that I am listening to Faure's Requiem and not Queens of the Stone Age or something ... that would be irresponsible!  Ooops there I go helping myself again - "Jojo you have to stop being so fucking reasonable ..." Therapist quote.  I also need to quit worrying ... not so easy!

Lets see how today goes ... if I proclaimed that I don't care, that I'm not slightly offended and f*ck it I'd be surely lying.  Wish I felt like that ... instead I have raised concerns about some people I care about and can't kick it to the kerb.  I hear you ... "you're your own worst enemy ...".  I'd rather be that ... Mouth Almighty QOTS cross contamination ... best stop now!

WTF?????????

I'll quickly bring you up to speed.  Got a high reading which was normal (according to my esteemed GP).  I said it wasn't normal blah blah blah.  Requested to see another Doctor as soon as possible as mine wasn't taking bookings until May.  Got the appointment and was begrudgingly allowed another blood test booking too.  

What the fuck? The other doctor won't see me due to "continuity of care".  What continuity and what care? My so called super GP has been spending time reading my notes, apparently.  Total, complete and utter lies. The proof lying in the paragraph above.  I have now to wait and see if she will give me an appointment.  I am in a situation where I don't actually know what to do.  If I had followed her advice I'd have been ill for three weeks.  I did make it clear that I am now very wary of this woman and am not happy about the situation.

This lovely receptionist is going to speak to the elusive practice manager this afternoon and firmly re-iterate my two requests.  My medical records and a meeting - I mentioned NHS England's involvement so fingers crossed he is wearing a man nappy.  My task now is to remain well and to be as pro-active as I can be starting with writing my own care plan and getting proper advice.  I don't think the advice will be coming anytime soon ...

I rarely cry, but this whole sorry business is making those tears flow a bit to easily, but then anyone who knows me understands that tears are good as the alternative is not very pretty at all.  I am closing down the ranks and putting myself first.  I have good friends and some not so good.  The not so good will have to respect that I have little time for anything else.  If it is one sided, my ring piece is totally ready to be kissed tenderly and I am always happy to produce a huge can of whoop ass with anyone's name on it who may be needing a spraying!

Very upset, got no-one available to talk to who is both trusted and objective.  It sucks.  What is the actual point of it all?

Multi-Tasking Of The Brain ...

That is the polite way of saying that there is too much whirling around up there at the moment like shit in a tumble dryer! Trying to keep goal number one of getting settled back on the meds at the forefront of this spinning wheel is proving quite difficult.  I had too much going on last week and on top of it all, yet again, my lithium levels were perfect at 0.5 with "no further action required".  Hommm.  

I've been dividing my time between visitors, getting well and researching in order to be able to speak in an informed and collected way should the Practice Manager bother to reply to my letter regarding a request for a meeting and getting hold of my notes.  (Oh and the usual normal work that needs doing on a daily basis.)

I feel out of sorts.  I ended up bailing out of a kiddies party yesterday because I just didn't feel right at all.  I think the stress of not getting what I need is piling up now which means that their negligence is now having a very negative effect.  Another bullet point to add to the growing pages with black blobs on them.  I haven't got the highlighter pen out, but when that lid comes off they should be afraid ... very afraid, I choose bright yellow!

Kids In Colour Scape

Re-birth ... the parting of the lips ... gross!

Jen and the kids came down for a few days.  Lots of giggles with my Bestie, Colourscape at Waddesdon was great, pub lunch great, bit of karaoke almost went down ok.  As for the rest of it? Quite stressful! Zero sleep one night was not good for me but you do what you can to make things ok when it is as good as family and the bruise I acquired is almost gone lol!

Like Getting Blood Out Of A Stone ... I'm not talking my veins either!

I nearly missed my appointment this morning ... another surgery blunder in the form of two conflicting text reminders and on arrival I'd been given the wrong time as well and was challenged as to why I was there as I was "normal" - just do the bloody test for christsake!  I am to the point of sighing deeply and shaking my head.  I think I have used every word in the dictionary to describe my feelings! Oh not "sloppy".  Yes.  "Sloppy".  Mr Practice Manager has until Wednesday to respond, after this it is going to be a humungous complaint rather than a "concern".  Idiots!

The best bit about this week was the amazingly unexpected portrait done by Barry in a covert way!  We shall be hanging it up proudly very soon.  Wowcher!

I'm watching my every move at all times!!

Return To The Forbidden Planet ...

... when your meds aren't working, there is a family crisis and you are out with some people who don't know you very well - no I was not drunk and yes my anxiety levels were so high I was making fuck up after fuck up.  Managing to give a terrible insult instead of a compliment to someone I have a lot of respect for was probably the highlight.  I have a wicked and very warped sense of humour at the best of times but I am not nasty about people I like.  My current meds status is giving me side effects including confusion, paranoia, slurred speech as well as other symptoms that you really don't want to know about.

I've never been overly impressed with musicals, I am more of an opera kinda gal and The New Theatre isn't the best venue in the world.  We had great seats in the stalls, however, which made a huge difference.  I was pretty much hooked the minute they started.  The idea of all the actors playing all these instruments so well was amazing.  The prize of the night for me was the guy playing "Cookie" who demonstrated some out there guitar techniques to rival Marty McFly! I sat there longing to be on stage doing this - the perfect job!

Don't ask me what was actually going on because I still have no clue.  It was star trek brushes past The Tempest and stops in We Will Rock You. At one point these big, green paper mache tentacles descended onto the stage from above.  Blue Peter at it's best! I think I would like to see a West End production of this show as I don't think this one did enough justice.  What space they had they utilised successfully.  Simple but very effective.  

The most disappointing thing for me was the lack of audience participation.  I was concerned that they were all dead or sleeping.  I was impressed enough to want to get up and have a good old jive about, but no, that never came until the end when my brain said "Go for it old chap you're from Manchester ditch the fake stiff upper lip for christ sake".

It has spurred me on to rebook my Wicked! tickets and I also learned that I hate Bipolar with every inch of my being and I am bloody sick of putting up with it.  God knows how everyone else around me feels ...  I am so lucky to be surrounded by such accepting people.  I'll keep removing the ones who can't cope as per! Awesome show and a good call.  

Since I am off the lithium for a while and in self-imposed exile I think I shall have that glass of prosecco thank you very muchly and take this opportunity to apologise in advance for all my shitty behaviour, tantrums, tears and irrationality. Remember this is not self inflicted!!

Getting Better ...

... despite the best efforts of some! Quick recap: I got Panto Lurge big style which manifested itself whilst I was in Manchester.  Nearly three weeks later, consumed by cabin fever, my voice is back but my ear still isn't right.  I will find out my fate in the next few weeks.  In the mean time, I am so consumed with solitude that all the sensible as flown out of the window.  I will be stepping out this week virus in tow.

When you aren't well, especially when you can't speak, it is easier to get drawn into someones delusions and ridiculous ideas.  I managed that this week.  Fished in, on the hook, didn't take much reeling either.  I can't help it if I actually care.  There is no point when it isn't accepted. Just to be most certain, I have allowed myself to be played by someone who would be a whole heap less lonely and hated should they pull the plug out of their arse! Friendship works both ways and quite frankly it is weird to walk away knowing every bloody thing about a person with no attempt to reciprocate.  Whilst I was getting paid a small fortune I had no qualms about listening to bullshit, these days I pay to have someone listen.  Vain, insular, draining but fun - I am loyal and will always be that way with friends no matter how much they don't deserve it, I am the gift that just keeps giving (or the gift making a twat out of herself)

What? This should be on mouth almighty?? Yes quite possibly.  Actually I want to talk about this week.  Lots to do and it is karaoke. I have a few choices of evening which I am going to take advantage of, can't do much singing, but I have good friends who I can't wait to see again, it has been ages, Alex and I are sorting out our theatre trip and all is good.  If it isn't London or New York, lets face it, it is substandard.  Hence I do things right.  No corners being cut.  

Will I do panto again after being so ill? Yes.  As other people will, despite all their kicking and screaming about unoriginality and other such guff. This happens every year, bleating, moaning and whinging but they'll be back - if the part is big enough ... bloody hilarious!!

Happy Monday peeps ... I am off to back pedal with the CMHT!